Nicky Leigh

DEPRESSION – Through the fire

Extracts from my Diary

I have suffered debilitating depression for many years but now lead a fulfilled life without the scourge of suicidal depression. I hope that I can offer some comfort and help by sharing my experiences of depression and what helped me to survive and recover. My sincere wish is that I could encourage others to persevere in spite of the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and despair. It was an inspiration to me to know that others had suffered as I had and yet they recovered to lead successful and productive lives.

14 June 1988	Worst time of my life – if I can pull throught this suicidal depression I can pull through any thing. Feelings of insecurity, guilt, worry. What did I say? What did I do? Everyday just a matter of not allowing myself to lie on the bed and cry.
20 July 1988	I have been dead now for a long time. I went to see a psychologist but it didn’t help much. My brain distorts everything. I go visit someone and worry about every word I say. A never ending fear of my own words, actions, gestures, looks, sounds
25 July 1988	Suicide out of the question but still I torment
31 July 1988	In hospital now. Woken up at 6am. Lie in bed until breakfast at 8am. Take pill at 11.15. Lunch 12 pm sleep 12.30 – 2.pm. Tea at 2pm. Maybe go for walk. Supper 5pm. Sit around until 7pm. Visiting hours until 8pm. Sit around until 9pm. Take sleeping pills. Sleep about 9hrs
2 August 1988	Last day in hospital
14 August 1988	Hospital again. Frustrated & utterly miserable. Lost all hope, helpless, lost. Trying to remember conversations – every word. Can’t bear it.
19 August 1988	In Hospital 7 days. Long nightmare Feeling much better
7 Nov 1988	My heart so heavy – how much more can I feel. Did painting of crucifixion – Feel as if I know Christ’s suffering. Feel so alone
19 July 1989	Feel stupid, weak and embarrassed about my chemical imbalance
30 August 1989	I have decided to end my life
29 August 1990	Never managed to kill myself. Moved out home into small flat. How difficult I find it to relax and communicate with people. Gastly greyness, indecision and apathy seems to consume my mind. Did I say something stupid, outrageous, horrible, personal, revealing.
15 September 1990	Spoken to too many people. I feel like an open book for all to read as if I have no secrets
20 August 1992	So here I am again descending into some awful hell pit and I don’t seem to have the strength to lift myself out of it. This fascist side is destroying me, devouring my soul with a grin on its face. Cruel, ruthless, relentless. Last night before going to sleep I fantasized about shooting myself a number of times through the head. I then thought of being stabbed all over and through my heart so that the blood spurted out all over the agonies of my existence. I thought of having my arms and legs amputated and my head cut off to stop this frantic mental torture which curses me. My mind is so distorted & twisted – bent on destroying me. This fascist part of me is unforgiving, relentless, brutal, perfectionist, autocratic. Giving deadlines, ambitious, competitive, rigid and negative. I need to access another part of me “